Am i cut out for the job?

Self doubting less than 1 yr into the job. Am i really that bad when come to my work performance? I know partly that it is due to my attention span from lack of sufficient sleep. And also my laziness from no motivation.

I need to sit down and draw up a plan. A guideline or something to guide me in life and my work. I came to rely on planning and bullet journalling that i realised im lost when i do not do a proper planning. Somehow after using Hobonichi A6 for daily planning, I dont feel that the other planner are assisting me in my planning and work. DAMNED!!!

I need to track alot of things. But first i need to clean up my room and feel more energetic...then maybe i will more of my old productive self.

Loneliness

All along i have been saying i do not wish to get married. Settled down without the paper is also alright with me. Having said that, i still wish to have a companion who has been missing in my life for a long time.

I was never the popular girl, in school and in my working life. My personality just dont attract guys, neither does my appearance. When I have something to focus on, I do not feel the loneliness. But when loneliness hit me with a punch, my heart feels so empty esp when i was listening to sad or love songs, watching love shows or reading love stories. The feeling of loneliness can be so overwhelm that i will doubt my presence and life. Deeming myself  a failure when it comes to relationship, be it any kind of relationship.

Even my relationship with my ex ( if he is considered as 1) was a failure with me maintaining the long distance relationship one sided and he missing in actions.

Will i ever get the chance to meet my soulmate? Will i be growing old alone with no companionship? Am i that bad as a human that i do not have a chance in a real relationship?

..........

XOXO

Lovecafe

Socially awkward

I find that the older i get the more socially awkward i am. At times, i really do not know what i should do when it is so obvious. Yet, I did not do the obvious and instead, i choose to do otherwise.

It is obvious that you greet your big boss when in the office (we are seated in different office in the same building). However, i will pretend that i did not notice her until i bumped into her along the corridor.

It is obvious that you have to introduce the new joiners to the boss when you bring them around the office getting familiar. But i was indecisive whether as to introduce or not, and walked past big boss' office. Only when the new joiner stopped to greet the big boss then i turned back and make an effort.

This really has to stop and change. Else, it will leave a very bad impression to the boss. And i think i have already left a very bad impression to her. *cringe*

xoxo

Love Cafe

Mummy's fall

Mummy has a fall recently, about 2 months ago, and she broke her kneecaps. LITERALLY!! She has to undergo surgery to "wire" all the broken pieces together in order to save the thigh muscles from falling below her kneecap. By that, I mean it literally, for real!! The doctors were concerned as it would be serious if the surgery is not done on time and thigh muscles saved on time. I will not go into the details of her fall as there are some conspiracy going on. And i really meant it when i said conspiracy.

Fast forward to 2 months later, today. The fall is quite bad, in addition, she is getting old, the recovery process is slower. She, being impatient, is concern why her wound is not recovering as good as she thought. She was told by the physiotherapist that she has to exercise (as guided by them) everyday in order to make sure that her kneecap recovers at least 90%, if not 100%, of its uses when she fully recovers. I have to give her credit. She diligently exercises as per instructions of the physiotherapist, even though it is hurting her. She will then moan about the pain she experience from her exercise. 

The wound will sometimes swell and stiffen the area, which make it harder and more painful for her when she exercise. Or even hard for her to walk around (she can walk around with the help of the crutches). The wound seems to have a mind of its own or the body is telling her something. Sometimes the injured area is so "cooperative" that she can have a smooth and painless day. But sometimes the swelling, the pain and stiffness is so bad that she would cry, out of helplessness and frustrations, while not being able to walk around or exercise. Still, in these situations, she will still persist to exercise and suffer the pain uncomfortably. 

Daddy is not being helpful at all. He is being a real diva at home. Mummy "feedback" that he is being a pain in the ass nowadays. The older he gets, the more eccentric he is becoming. Even us, his children, cannot stand him, and his weird behavior and thinking. Sometimes, mummy feels cold and do not want to on the air condition to sleep and told daddy so. Instead of being accommodating, he actually told her to sleep in the living room because he needs the air condition. My eyes went big when i hear that and my heart goes WTF! 

In one instances, he bought alot of food for mummy's dinner after mummy told him that she only wants 2 dishes. Of cos mummy will grumble seeing the amount of food he bought. He will then sit in front of mummy and make sure she finishes the food. If she cannot finish the food, he will gobble them up. Mummy will then be irritated and frustrated with him again. A little bit of history, daddy has some medical conditions. He has diabetes, high cholesterol and fatty liver. I am not sure about the other medical conditions that he has, but everyday he is like a medicine container, taking loads of medicines to control his medical conditions. His diabetes has come to a point that the doctor wants to see his wife to know why is it that his conditions is not improving but getting worse. He was told that he has to inject himself but he reject the idea violently (not physically). Given this kind of conditions, of cos mummy is irritated that he is not taking care of himself but still eating even after he has taken his meal.

In other instances, when he drove mummy around, he never considers her conditions and parked his car far away or inconveniently for mummy. When he saw how my aunties' husband treated mummy with TLC, he began to look out (abit) for her. One thing about daddy, he is an oscar winner actor. In front of others, he will show his TLC to mummy. Behind the back of the outsiders, he is being a diva and cares for himself more than for mummy. What a hypocrite! 

At night, mummy will have problem sleeping as she is getting up at night to visit the toilet and she dreads this kind of waking-up-to-visit-the-toilet sessions. She has problem getting around given her medical condition, on top of that, it is very disruptive to her sleep. 

Being an active person, now that she has to be indoors all the time, she is being restless and impatient. Facing the 4 walls everyday, with all of us out to work and coming home late, she is becoming very lonely. Having no one to talk to, no one to air her unhappiness and frustrations, she is becoming very cranky. It seems that she is becoming very negative even though her injury is recovering smoothly except for the occasionally "diva mood".  She is crying most of the time, complaining that we do not go home early, no one is there to talk to her etc. I understand that an injured person, especially old people,  tend to be cranky and difficult. I admit that i do not have much patience and is short tempered. But i really doing my best to be as mild and accommodating as possible. But I do have my work and school projects to do. I really need my "me" time to do these. 

Take last weekend for instances. I met with my course mates for some project discussion. Before i left the house, she asked me what time will i be home cos she needs someone to get her dinner. And she die die has to eat by 7pm. When she asked, I cant possibly tell her that i cant buy dinner for her becos i have school project to do. So i have to cut short my discussion to accommodate her as the patient has a higher rights. Anyway, when i was trying to work out the timing to be back, she mistaken my silence as unable to buy dinner for her and commented that she will get my cousin to buy for her. Just that she dunno if my cousin is able to do so and blah blahblah..the guilt trip began.

I am not sure if she is aware but there are alot of times, i find that she is guilt tripping us with her medical conditions. I really dunno but i hope i am over thinking. I don't feel like talking further about what is happening. The uncomfortable feeling that is stored in me has somehow gotten aired and unburdened.

Till next time, though not sure when i will be writing again. 

XOXO

 Love Cafe

Planners addict

My first planner was a Keny, which you can purchase from Popular bookstore for around $20 =/-. It wasnt anything and i religiously use it. Then I notice that my ex-boss was holding a Filofax (brown soft leather) and I was intrigued. I began to do some research online but I cant find any similar model to what she is holding. Not that I want to imitate her, rather the soft leather of the planner attracted me so much that I "die die" also must get one. The Keny one that I was holding was a hard cover.

I researched around and found one which is nearest to what she is holding (i bet she is still using in her current work place). We are of the same type, the old schooled type. When it comes to task to-do and schedules, we prefer to write them down. To me, i like to scribble and doodle (although my doodling level is almost to zero.. hahaha) where i write my notes. I tend to write my thoughts next to the things that i jotted down in the planner.

The first serious planner that i got for myself is Filofax purple malden. Real leather and soft cover (though not as soft as the brown leather filofax that my ex boss holds due to the pockets on the front cover). It costed me $189. I was using it for 2 years.

2 years later, Starbucks had a Christmas promotion whereby customer top up $120 on their Starbucks card and get an A5 planner free. Initially i wanted the brown colour but it was out of stock and i settled for the gold one. Turns out, my sister has a brown one which i cant remember where she got it. She definitely did not top up that $120. She is more careful and calculative when it comes to money. I used the planner for 1 year and then i switched back to my Filofax malden which i used for another 1 year.

I found out about Midori Traveler's Notebook when i joined the FB group for planners. The world of MTN was super! Sadly, before i actually use the MTN as planner, i was introduced to Hobonichi. ANYWAY back to MTN first. I initially bought it because i wanted to use as planner. I was attracted by the grid notebook and squared notebook. I bought the blue edition regular MTN first. Soon after followed by black regular, camel passport and brown passport. I never expect myself to buy so many. The blue edition costs me around S$80. I bought it from online, if my memory serves right, it was ebay. The seller was from Japan which is where the MTN origin from. The black is around S$60 which i asked my colleague, EC, to help my purchase when he travelled to Japan. The brown passport is $49 from Overjoyed.com. I initially ordered a camel passport but was informed that it is out of stocks after i placed my order so i changed to the brown since i did not have a brown MTN yet. The camel passport was from Tokyu Hands (Jurong East). It is around S$58. Yes, i learnt after i bought that Tokyu Hands is around $10 more than Overjoyed! Recently Midori Traveler's Notebook has been renamed to Traveler's Notebook Company.

Before i bought my MTN, i purchased another Filofax, Domino Patent Turquoise. It costs me S$68. I was thinking of making my own inserts and use the Domino but sadly to say, i bought it and leave it aside still in its package together with my malden. I still loves them but I am currently using Hobonichi and MTN.

I saw a few FB people from the group talking about Hobonichi. Initially i ignored them as i just bought my MTN and I want to use my MTN. But my attention was drawn to the word "HOBONICHI" time to time so i decided to look up Hobonichi group in FB and joined them. Bad moves!! I was attracted to Hobonichi straight away that i purchase Year 2016 planners from the site. The Tomoe River paper the Hobonichi uses for its planners are something to die for to write on. I bought both the A6 and A5, planning to use them for work and personal. I fully utilized A6 for work because i used it for To-Do and schedules.

I fully intend to use the A5 (Hobo Cousin) for some writings, personal life schedules and To-Do, but it seems like my life is boring! Nothing much to write in my A5. The To-Do tasks seem to repeat everyday because i always carry forward the tasks to the next day.

Initially, i write in the daily pages of A5 everyday using 365 prompts and "Thoughts of the day". But after my foot op in January, i stopped. Yes, it means i only wrote for 18 days and I stopped. Yikes. There was a whole lot of blank pages and i was discouraged to start writing again. In May, which is this month, i started using the monthly weekly pages. Monthly pages for personal and family schedules. Weekly pages for To-Do and some short Thoughts of the day. I intend to use the daily pages for drawing and journaling though i have not start to do so the daily pages are still blank. Anyway, it doesnt bother me as much anymore.

Recently, I was attracted to Kate Spade Wellesley Planner, a ring bound planner, just like my Filofax. It was not available in Singapore Kate Spade boutique so i bought it from someone in USA. She happened to help someone bought from KS boutique but the person back out at the last minute. Some people's loose is someone else's gain. I was lucky to get it at the time when KS were having 60% so it was US$95. With shipping, it was altogether US$122 (=S$174.88) which is almost the same price as my first Filofax. Now I am waiting for the arrival of my Kate Spade Wellesley.

My uses of the planners:

1. Filofax Malden (in storage)
2. Filofax Domino (in storage)
3. Starbucks A5 (in storage)
4. MTN Regular Blue (Journal of special occassions where photos and short description of the occassions are written in it. Includes some travel memories too.)
5. MTN Regular Black (in storage)
6. MTN Passport Brown (Food and exercise log)
7. MTN Passport Camel (in storage)
8. Hobonichi A6 (Work planner)
9. Hobonichi Cousin (Personal Life planner)
10. Kate Spade Wellesley Black (transiting as of now. Intend to use to hold my study notes which i am signing up a Diploma Course soon)

So in total i actually have 10 planners and majority are not in use. 

XOXO

Lovakafe

Not such a fantastic half year of 2015

Just right after CNY, i fell and injured my foot; Lisfranc Injury. The swell and pain is wordless.. lack of vocab library to describe. I can only say that I am in so much pain that I cannot walk at all, at least for the 1st 2-3 weeks. Yes, I am not kidding. I am really disabled for the 1st 2-3 weeks after the fall. I was referred to the Orthopaedic specialist in KTPH by Polyclinic.

Initially I wanted to ignore the appointment as it clashed with my Coy's Annual Dinner. I did not want to miss the Annual Dinner though I have to say its nothing fantastic (my colleagues did a good job in organizing but the whole event itself is not so attractive) but its the gather-together-and-have-fun-with-colleagues type of mentalilty that makes me want to attend instead of giving it a miss. Anyway, it happened that our national father, Old Lee (RIP), passed away that same week and we have to postpone the event to further notice that i decided to go for the appt.

Boi!!! If i really missed the appointment, I would really regret it in my life later. I did not know that my injury is so serious. I did google "Lisfranc Injury" and it came up with several links to be referred to. One of the link (http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/topic.cfm?topic=A00162) explained in details from how small the injury is to how serious in some cases. I thought mine belongs to the small injury type but turned out i was damned wrong and I was immediately scheduled to go for corrective surgery the following Tuesday (my appointment was on Thursday). Within that few days, I have to settle my work on hand and hand over to my coll (poor gers and I really appreciate their help).

To add fuel to the fire, after the surgery, I was told that i am diabetes. My fight against diabetes starts! I see it coming (the medical condition) but I did not foresee it to be so early in my life. I was told I'm borderline but was given medication to control. After discharged, I took the medication but stopped after 1-1.5 weeks and start my fight without the medication.

It worked during my Hospitalization Leave at home. The marks disappeared (although not completely) but it worked. After I got back to work, i began to care less about my eating habit. I did try to stop taking carbonated drink but succumbed to the craving a few times. The marks came back and become darker as time goes. I brought food from home so i no longer eat lunch outside. The only difference is that I drink coffee in the morning. Every morning!! But I don't think coffee is the cause of the marks coming back right? I tried to google but it doesnt says anything about coffee being one of the cause of the marks and diabetics. BTW, my coffee is not sweet. I prefer my coffee to be abit bitter.

Also, I have been trying to slim down. I guess so far i have been correct in what i did cos i did slim down. My family, colls and friends notice and that is a good sign. Recently, I became lazy again and i have to pick up my momentum again. I have to start the slimming down process again and contd with motivation.

XOXO

Love Cafe

New Year New Start!!

1st blog of Year 2015!! This year's 1st blog started quite early. :P

Anyway, like the title says, new year new start. And its really new start for me. I changed my work wardrobe, at least, majority of it but I still wear the old wardrobe (some, the rest i threw away). Wanting to start a new year with a fresh start so a major overhaul of my wardrobe but in the end i still wear the old wardrobe for half of the week. Hahah...

I mentioned in several posts that i want to do business. Since its a new year, I finally spent the money (close to S$1K) and get the stocks in. Then realized that someone on Qoo10 is actually selling at quite a low selling price which makes the profit margin to be very minimal. I guess I have to either match the selling price or at a lower price (which i doubt i can afford to do so) so that leaves me with matching the selling price.

While doing business, i also wants to pay back to the society (sound so cheesy) but i really mean it. I have plans to sell some of the products to some group (exclusively to them) and donate some of the sales to the Non-Profit Org or the medical bills of some of the strays. But if the sales not that fantastic, i will open the sales to the public and still donate some of the proceeds to the NPO or medical bills of the strays. In doing this, I have to make sure that everything is transparent so that people will be able to trust me. Trust is very important in business and esp when it involves partial/full charity purpose.

I will need to plan carefully on the business and sales stuff and i cant delay any further. As it is, both pa and ma are making noises, with one nagging that I'm spending so much money and the latter about my room seems like a warehouse. Hahahaha.. I really need to pack the stuff away and throw away the boxes.. :P

XOXO

Love Cafe