Am i cut out for the job?

Self doubting less than 1 yr into the job. Am i really that bad when come to my work performance? I know partly that it is due to my attention span from lack of sufficient sleep. And also my laziness from no motivation.

I need to sit down and draw up a plan. A guideline or something to guide me in life and my work. I came to rely on planning and bullet journalling that i realised im lost when i do not do a proper planning. Somehow after using Hobonichi A6 for daily planning, I dont feel that the other planner are assisting me in my planning and work. DAMNED!!!

I need to track alot of things. But first i need to clean up my room and feel more energetic...then maybe i will more of my old productive self.

Loneliness

All along i have been saying i do not wish to get married. Settled down without the paper is also alright with me. Having said that, i still wish to have a companion who has been missing in my life for a long time.

I was never the popular girl, in school and in my working life. My personality just dont attract guys, neither does my appearance. When I have something to focus on, I do not feel the loneliness. But when loneliness hit me with a punch, my heart feels so empty esp when i was listening to sad or love songs, watching love shows or reading love stories. The feeling of loneliness can be so overwhelm that i will doubt my presence and life. Deeming myself  a failure when it comes to relationship, be it any kind of relationship.

Even my relationship with my ex ( if he is considered as 1) was a failure with me maintaining the long distance relationship one sided and he missing in actions.

Will i ever get the chance to meet my soulmate? Will i be growing old alone with no companionship? Am i that bad as a human that i do not have a chance in a real relationship?

..........

XOXO

Lovecafe