Feels discouraging

I do feel discouraging, especially recently. I have been doing well ever since I was promoted last year. And this started in July. I am not sure what is happening to me. Why am i distracted? Why am i so unfocused? What is really happening to me?

I was told that my English Language proficiency is not very good. In fact, I am consider 1 of the worst and it is a language barrier to me in work. (BAM!! a punch to in my face) Although I know that I am not that proficient in my English Language, but to be told this way it is really bad. And I mean really really bad. Worse than what I think it is. To work on my English, I started to read more English reading materials - Novels, Non-Fictions, Straits Time, Business Times etc etc. Not sure if it works, but hopefully it does. I have to admit that my verbs and adjectives are really limited. My sentence structures are still of the lower level.

I am not a meticulous person by nature. Maybe because I am very "chin chai". When I was promoted, I did not really see my weakness. When all the stuff start to happen, my eyes are really open to my weaknesses and it is taking a toll on my work performance. This is the part that is adding on to my discouraging mood. All the colleagues who are working with me seems to be more meticulous and perform better than me. Am I really not cut out for higher level work? Am I just suitable for lower level work? I have a very bad feeling that my performance grading come April will be very bad. Its either "G" or "S". *cry* I cannot let that happen!! This will affect the amount of PB I will be getting in July and it is really not good!!

I used to have a goal when i started in this company. That is to be promoted to higher level and get good PB in July. It really motivated me in my work and I manage to achieve both although I know that I still have work harder to achieve higher PB. The 1st yr after my promotion went smoothly, and then recently, my work performance really dipped! And I do not feel motivated anymore! Why!!!!

Back to me being not a meticulous person by nature. Knowing that this is my weakness, I have been trying to check through my work before I send out but i still make mistakes. And worst of all, I have been making mistakes on a weekly basis that my manager is about to give up on me. *cry* She said that all the mistakes are silly mistakes and avoidable but I am making the mistakes and it should not be so. *cringe* I know .. I really know...

HOW to be more effective in work. I try to always do things right at the 1st time. I tried to focus on work. I even tried to make a new goal and directions so that i will not be lost. But i am still making mistakes and these mistakes are avoidable as per my manager.

Sometimes, i really feel like giving up and look for a new job. But i know that if i do not "solve" these issues, I will bring these problems to my new job and the same thing will happen again. Maybe even worse.I cannot just give up and look for new job. I have to look within myself to find the problems and solve the problems. And also, i really feel bad that my manager is stressing out and giving up with all my mistakes and problems i created. She is even thinking of quitting. This is really bad. Bad of me to do this to her. :(

XOXO

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