Superior and Subordinate Relationship

How close are you with your boss? How is your working relationship with your boss? I'm sure alot of people will ask. So I will ask myself: How close am i with my boss? How is my working relationship with my boss? I have alot of things running in my head and mind but i am unable to blog down what i really want to say.

Recently I was asked if I am suffering from mild depression? I'm having trouble in my work and my quality of work was horrible, and I actually tears in-front of my boss which was totally not me. Guess that prompted my boss to pose the 'mild depression' question to me. She asked if I am having problem in personal life which is affecting me and my work. I am unsure if I am suffering from mild depression or not. But I know I am not my own self for the past few months. At least, in work, i am getting into trouble almost every week. That's how bad I am.

I lost confidence from the day i was told my English proficiency is bad. And from the fear of saying the wrong thing, using the wrong English words etc, I fared even worse. I am incoherent in my speech, unable to bring my points across. My boss keep having to correct my tenses, adjectives, verbs etc that I was even more hesitant to talk to my boss or in-front of her. The new staff who joined us are very proficiency in their English. This has make me cowered more into a corner and afraid to stand out. More ever, my mistakes seems to shine more in-front of them and my manager.

All these pressures from work and diminishing self confidence added more pressure and burden on me. I was at a point where i almost tender without a job. But I cannot afford to. Sigh.......

I realised that bad quality output of work not only affected myself, in a way, it will affect my boss too and sometimes my colleagues. My boss was under alot of pressure and stress. Mostly from her boss and partly from herself. With the type of boss she is having, and an uncooperative staff like me, its no wonder she is frustrated and fed-up and would want to quit. I have been there (the impulse to quit) and i know how it feels. I pity her but I am part of the source which contribute to her impulse.

She has been covering for us so much that she is unable to do her work. And her boss was questioning why is she so unproductive. Not her fault for being a good boss, trying to guide and cover her subordinate. But i shouldn't add on to her pressure and frustration.

After the talk with my boss yesterday, I guess i finally liberated myself from my negativity, although there are still some left over which i am trying to ditch. But i definitely feels better and able to work on my piece with more ease. Maybe by facing my problems, and also i was fed-up with my cowering and the pressure that was accumulating in me that i just give up and face whatever comes my way.

I am being incoherent again, i guess. But i just want to get whatever in me out so that i can work with more ease and blockage free.

XOXO,

Love Cafe

Festive Mood

Christmas is just around the corner. Alot of people are looking forward to it, esp the couples who will be spending the magical day together, basking in the joy together with so many other couples. I guess Christmas is the only festival, besides Valentine's Day, that almost all the couples are looking toward spending the day with their love ones. 

For me, it is just like any other festivals. Nothing special, no one special to spend the day with (except my family :) but they have their own activities so we are likely to be spending half the day together only). For the past 34 years, it has always been like that. Maybe I am meant to spend the festival alone.

Yesterday, when I met up with one of my best friends from school, we were talking about how alot of our friends are married and some with kid(s). She asked me if I have anyone in the love department. My answer to her is as usual. No one! haha... The reason i gave is no one likes me. No one wants to date me. 

I never have luck with guys. The only guy that I ever dated is a guy from Portugal and we have never even met before in reality. You may call it long distance relations and it was a virtual long distance relation. It ended very abruptly although i continued (one sided) for around a few years before i decided to call it quit. Its along story and in a way, that relationship kinda decided for me that I am not that keen to be looking for that someone in the love department. 

I do look forward to have a relationship with someone. Someone I can love and cuddle with. Esp with the weather nowadays (i practically have been singing "Rain Rain go away..."). But i guess i am not meant to be with someone.

With Christmas just around the corner, alot of couples are looking forward to spend the magical day with their love ones. As for me, I am looking forward to sleep in and enjoy the day in a relax mood before my 1st vacation in year 2014. :)

XOXO

Love Cafe