Superior and Subordinate Relationship

How close are you with your boss? How is your working relationship with your boss? I'm sure alot of people will ask. So I will ask myself: How close am i with my boss? How is my working relationship with my boss? I have alot of things running in my head and mind but i am unable to blog down what i really want to say.

Recently I was asked if I am suffering from mild depression? I'm having trouble in my work and my quality of work was horrible, and I actually tears in-front of my boss which was totally not me. Guess that prompted my boss to pose the 'mild depression' question to me. She asked if I am having problem in personal life which is affecting me and my work. I am unsure if I am suffering from mild depression or not. But I know I am not my own self for the past few months. At least, in work, i am getting into trouble almost every week. That's how bad I am.

I lost confidence from the day i was told my English proficiency is bad. And from the fear of saying the wrong thing, using the wrong English words etc, I fared even worse. I am incoherent in my speech, unable to bring my points across. My boss keep having to correct my tenses, adjectives, verbs etc that I was even more hesitant to talk to my boss or in-front of her. The new staff who joined us are very proficiency in their English. This has make me cowered more into a corner and afraid to stand out. More ever, my mistakes seems to shine more in-front of them and my manager.

All these pressures from work and diminishing self confidence added more pressure and burden on me. I was at a point where i almost tender without a job. But I cannot afford to. Sigh.......

I realised that bad quality output of work not only affected myself, in a way, it will affect my boss too and sometimes my colleagues. My boss was under alot of pressure and stress. Mostly from her boss and partly from herself. With the type of boss she is having, and an uncooperative staff like me, its no wonder she is frustrated and fed-up and would want to quit. I have been there (the impulse to quit) and i know how it feels. I pity her but I am part of the source which contribute to her impulse.

She has been covering for us so much that she is unable to do her work. And her boss was questioning why is she so unproductive. Not her fault for being a good boss, trying to guide and cover her subordinate. But i shouldn't add on to her pressure and frustration.

After the talk with my boss yesterday, I guess i finally liberated myself from my negativity, although there are still some left over which i am trying to ditch. But i definitely feels better and able to work on my piece with more ease. Maybe by facing my problems, and also i was fed-up with my cowering and the pressure that was accumulating in me that i just give up and face whatever comes my way.

I am being incoherent again, i guess. But i just want to get whatever in me out so that i can work with more ease and blockage free.

XOXO,

Love Cafe